Updated: Feb 10
First of all, I genuinely care. If you are feeling like you want to end things right now, I feel for you. It’s a desperately lonely, scary place to be. From the bottom of my heart, I hope that this article gives you a bit of hope and inspires you to go on. Things DO change, absolutely nothing stays the same forever. You never know what life has in store for you tomorrow, who you are going to meet, or what opportunities are going to appear. Hang on. I was in a dark hole too but I managed to climb out.
A Little About My Life
In 2006, when I was just twelve years old, I was locked up and put in a secure psychiatric hospital and abused sexually, physically and emotionally for five years. I was then sent around the country like a parcel to different units until I was eventually released completely. Back out in the community, I struggled ever so much. I ended up living in a tiny, rat-infested flat where people used to leave heroin needles in the hallway. I was given very little support, had very few friends due to being locked up, was heavily institutionalized, and was living daily in sheer desperation. I ended up in a dark hole of anger, suicidal thoughts and confusion. I took drugs, self-harmed, had risky sex and attempted suicide. I lost numerous loved ones to suicide too. I ended up in a vicious cycle of going to hospital and prison but I eventually broke free from it. Now my life is brilliant. I have everything I ever wanted because I never gave up. If you keep going you too can achieve your dreams. I wrote an article going into further detail about my life story which you can find here on Medium if you want to know more about my journey.
It’s okay to feel suicidal by the way, it’s natural. Don’t be angry, embarrassed or ashamed for feeling this way. It’s simply a part of being Human, the ability to experience emotions. It proves you aren’t a robot ;)
Don’t Let Pain Rule Your Life
Many people don’t find inner peace or happiness because they don’t see pain as part of themselves. They are always battling their pain, constantly trying to get rid of it and avoid it. They don’t want to come to terms with it. I need to be brutally honest right now. This won’t work. The way to cope with suicidal thoughts is to not let them rule your life. Many years of my life were spent crying my heart out on the sofa, starving myself, hurting myself, hating every part of myself and despising the whole universe. During those times I used to want to cut my pain away, shout it away and punch it away. I used to cut my arms deeply for a release, with the hope that it would get people to understand how deeply I was hurting but it just didn’t work. It was my body that I was damaging, my flat that I was smashing up, nobody else’s. I eventually, over time, realized that no matter how deep you cut yourself or how loud you shout, nobody else will ever be able to feel your pain or fully understand it. It’s yours and yours only. So I started to accept that my painful emotions may always be there, but I was worth more than destroying myself. I started to really focus on my writing, my studies and my other projects. I’ve been self-harm free for many years. The day that I accepted my emotions as a part of me and stopped trying to fight against them was the day I began feeling better.
Accepting What We Can’t Control
At the time of writing this, time machines haven’t been invented. We can’t control time, the past and we can’t control other people. However, we can control ourselves. You need to hold on to this. The things in life that we can control and that make us happy are what make life worth living.
I have had to spend a huge amount of my life being locked in rooms or cells being told what I can and can't do by staff members. I was told what time to get up, what time to go to bed, what I could eat, how many books I could have in my room, if I could wear shoelaces, the list goes on and on. I quickly learned since I couldn’t change the rules or what was happening all around me I needed to control myself and the way that I was viewing the situation. So I thought about what I did have, and that was time. I turned the negative into a positive. Instead of fighting the bad, I cherished every moment of the good. Every day I used to write and submit work for magazines. Although it sounds like a simple thing not worth a mention, it was the very thing that kept me alive. I set myself a task to write a set amount of poems each day. I also kept a diary. It was my only escape from the monotony and the onslaught of rules and abuse. It gave me a form of a routine, something to look forward to. Picture this; an uncomfortable single bed, some paper, a pen, a diary, a magazine with half of its pages ripped out due to it having banned material and a few music posters on the wall. Nothing more. That was my life for many years. We need to hold close to us the things that make us happy, no matter what they are. In 2018 I tidied up some of the poems that I had written during that time and published them into my first collection, titled Broken Doll which has sold well.
To read the full article please go here- (I get paid for every view)
Also check out the Youtube Video I made on this. Two or three times a week I upload motivational videos to inspire people to never give up. I'm almost at 1,000 subscribers now.
It would mean so much to me if you could press the red button and subscribe. It would also be nice if you could share the video, so someone struggling can see this :) thank you and peace.